So once upon a time, after seeing the awesome that was Pirates of the Caribbean, I had a thought. It was a simple one: crossover movie. So this was my idea for that movie i put together all those years ago. Since then, Pirates 2 (&3), Mummy 3 and Indy 4 have in fact been made, but I still think my idea was better. This was an email, so awkward wording and typos will probably survive:
( ps. I am aware that Incans were in South America and Aztecs were in Mexico, so there is a location disparity in the story, but I am pretty sure I wrote this before lunch, so please have forgiveness. )
I figured it out, the greatest action adventure movie of all time. It is a Pirates of the Caribbean, Mummy, and Indiana Jones crossover. Allow me to expand:
In the beginning the British are chasing the Pearl and our band of Pirates in the open waters. The Pearl turns south and a mysterious storm takes both ships by surprise.
Flash forward to the 40’s
Indiana Jones is in Mexico searching for Aztec gold. Naturally where Indy is, there are Nazis.
Nazis find the Aztec gold and become zombies, just moments before Indiana Jones finds it.
He escapes on the Pearl which has just appeared off-shore.
They take the gold back to their stash in South America where the relic of the Scorpion King is kept.
Brenden Frasier and Arab Dude break in to kill some mummies, kill zombies. The Scorpion King is awakened anyway.
The crew of the Pearl tries to figure out how to forcefully change them back into normal Nazis. Meet up with the mummy crew on their blimp. (it is a dirigible)
The British show up to hunt the Pearl, and fight the Nazis. the Pearl saves them, Mister Stuffed Shirt starts to become cool.
The Scorpion King shows up and teams up with a South American mummy (which did exist) they start to restart the Aztec empire, Nazis change from zombie Nazis to resurrected Zombie Aztecs.
Indiana Jones breaks into the Aztec temple of the Sun and learns about the curse of the Aztec gold and mummy.
Brenden helps, but is definatly side-kick. He explains the Scorpion King (who is not a bug, but just the rock)
The Rock beats up some random Nazi-Aztec zombie just to prove he is still hard.
The Nazis have a hot archeologist who Indy saves on his way out.
Capt, Jack sparrow steals a U-Boat and doesn’t tell the Brits. names it “NA-NA-NU-NA-NA” and ties it to the Pearl for escape.
Brits contemplate leaving, because who cares about South America anyway.
The Aztec capital city becomes like it was when Cortez sacked it. The bad guys sacrifice some good guy in the name of badness.
Hot Nazi Archeologist is wooed by Jack Sparrow. It is Johnny Depp, she can’t say no (and Indy learned his lesson from the last movie).
The Nazi-Aztec-zombies try to take the Pearl, there is a great shipboard fight scene. Whips, guns, swords. good guys win.
They figure out that there is this thing (because there always is) inside the most guarded part of the city (where else would it be?) that will change the curse and turn the Rock into a bug and send the Nazis back to Europe.
The Brits and the Pearl make a distraction by attacking the shore. Nazi-Aztec-Zombies fight back. Red baron makes a cameo.
Small group consisting of Indy, Brenden, HNA (hot nazi archeologist), and Orlando break into the city to find the thing.
There is fighting.
Indy and HNA get to the temple while Brenden and Orlando do what they do best: kill undead.
The Nazi-Aztec-zombies realize what is going on, the Rock sends them all back to the city. The Pirates and Brits storm the beach, D-Day fashion, in pursuit.
Bruce Campell shows up to read the words. Then joins Orlando and Brenden in the undead beat down.
Indy and the SA mummy get into a fight. It’s Indy, so he kicks the mummy’s ass.
The words start to work and Nazi-Aztec-zombies are transformed back into Nazis.
And then they die.
Jack sparrow and Bruce Campell get into a one-liner competition whilst beating down the Rock.
All the bad guys die except one. Why? Because there is always one left.
The good guys take the Aztec gold and bury it? Burn it? You know, good guy “This aint gonna happen again” type of stuff. They fail.
The brits try to arrest the pirates, they escape on the “NA-NA-NU-NA-NA”
The HNA leaves with Jack.
Indy and Eve (who only shows up for this scene) agree to work together in academia.
Bruce campell says the words, drinks the juice and .. well you know the rest.
The British stay British.
Everyone rides off into sunset.
Final bad guy finds aztec gold, sinister laughter.
Cut scene to boston.
Bar with cannon. bootstrap is drinking a beer.